Happy @&%$!*^ Holidays, Merry Christmas, etc.

The Real Meaning of Christmas

What the…?

Gentle Readers,

Well, it’s that special time of year again. Yes, that’s right. The time of year when a lot of us go back on Prozac. Contrary to cultural brainwashing, most of us DO NOT ENJOY the Holiday Season. The reasons are numerous, and range from “I lost my __________ [fill in the blank with family member and/or loved one’s/pet’s title or name] at this time of year, and it’s never been the same. I always get a little sad,” to the “Holy-sh@t! How-am-I supposed-to-pay- for-all-this-Christmas (Hanukkah, whatever)-stuff!!??What-am -I? Made-of -money??” Blues.

Well, don’t look for any ‘cheer up’ garbage here. I love Christmas…but not the forced nature of the Season, nor the commercialism, (when did we stop thinking it was better to GIVE than to RECEIVE, pray tell?), but the actual, real Christmas. The part about the gaudy decorations, the cool reindeer (whoa flying reindeer! What child-loving maniac thought THAT one up? It’s FABulous!), and watching other people sink into their own personal pits of despair. THAT Christmas is what I live for all year. Oh, and since I’m in Texas, a little cooler weather helps. And God, if You are listening, by ‘a little cooler’ I do not mean 80 degrees. Nor do I mean 30. Can we just have it NORMAL for a change, please? Thank You. Gracias.Blessed Be. And Amen.

So here’s the thing: When your brain starts worrying you about ‘The Holidays,’ and all that ‘bad’ food you’re about to consume, remember one thing, and one thing only. Okay, remember two things. Two things only.

  1. Don’t panic.
  2. This, too, shall pass. Soon it will be January, with a whole new set of reasons to be depressed.
  3. Portion control is more important and useful than total abstinence.

Okay, so that’s three things, but even I can remember three things. Usually.

So as you go about your various Holiday Cheerful activities with a fake smile plastered on your face that makes you wonder if it’ll ever return to its natural shape (it will, trust me–soon you’ll look just like you did in November. Almost), and Christmas wreaths plastered on your door and the cow-catcher on your truck (Texas, remember?), chant the mantra above: Don’t panic. This, too, shall pass. Portion control is more important than total abstinence.

I recommend chanting inwardly, to oneself. If you’re me, you don’t give a flying rat’s patoot about what people think of you as you wander around aimlessly chanting to yourself out loud, because you are old, and you’ve realized no one is paying any attention to you anyway–because you are old. But if you’re a normal  regular-aged person, you might want to either chant completely silently or at least keep it to a quiet mumble. On second thought, mumbling is actually worse than speaking to oneself out loud. So chant silently when possible. And if you live alone or with pets, chant to the TV or your pets. Neither will judge you. Unless you have a TV where there’s a camera facing into the room, secretly watching your every move and recording everything you do. But hey, how many of us does that apply to? Ha ha.

Let me break it down for you, Sparky. As you walk through the storm hold your head up high…no wait, that’s a different song. As you go through the Season with everyone at work bringing in ‘health’ food, aka cookies, pies, cakes, grandma’s Heart Attack-inducing Macaroni and Cheese, etc., use your mantra, and remind yourself that these people are your friends the rest of the year. Mostly. And they don’t really want YOU to fail in your attempt to become a slimmer, lovelier version of yourself (although that’s an unexpected and often welcomed by-product for these menaces to all things eatyourselfslimblog.com), they just want company as THEY blimp themselves into yet another 10 pounds that will probably never leave them for the rest of their lives. Because they do this same thing  every year, don’t they? And you know who they are. You want to look like THEM? Okay then. Mantra. Portion control. Have a LITTLE bit of whatever and make sure you have protein with you AT ALL TIMES.

Think survival. OF THE FITTEST not the FATTEST! How many old, fat people do you see, truthfully. See? I’m not saying growing old is all that horn-blowin’ special…but it seems to beat the alternative.

So…Happy Damn Holidays, Merry Effing Christmas, etc., and look for some exciting new recipes coming to eatyourselfslimblog.com soon! Not in time for the holidays of course, what am I, made of money? Ha!



PS: Here’s a little ‘old school’ Merle with a cheerful little ditty–have a listen!